Touch me


Kelly tattooed Ryan last night. Chubbrock decided to get an his personal hommage to breast cancer. No pink star here. Ryan got a pair of flying breasts with the traditional dagger going right through them. His own personal flying mastectomy. F*** cancer. The beast. I thought it a lovely gesture. I was touched.

I read a statistic yesterday that said one in nine women now get breast cancer. That boggles my mind. I think about how hard it is to go through this sometimes. The way it effects my husband, children, and friends.  I feel bad for them. Sometimes I feel bad for me. I always feel like I am swimming in unchartered water. How can I be a good mom and be sick? Or a good wife or friend? I am learning how to live with terminal illness. And its a rough road. Sometimes I don’t want to talk about it..sometimes its all I can talk about. I want to forget I am sick….but I look in the mirror and realize I am. Chemotherapy has a dramatic influence on my current appearance. It now takes me an hour to get ready to leave the house. Fake eyebrows, lashes,hair. And with the steroid driven weight gain I honestly do not recognize myself anymore. I am daily trying to adjust to the physical changes both inward and outward. And my children and husband are equally effected. I see them working to accept my limitations. Trying to be sympathetic and selfless for me. We are all struggling to grow and love each other. And its never quite as seamless as we want it to be.

I am not sure how this all works out. Right now it seems most everything is a struggle. Money- marriage-children-friendships. Things are rarely light and easy. I wish for amnesia. Or some brain thing like in 50 first dates. A day in which I forget I have cancer. Can I get a day? The kids and Kelly are at Great Adventure. I am alone with Clay. Actually i do not remember the last time I was alone with Clay. I have nothing to prove to Clayton. He is not embarrassed that I am fat and bald. He doesn’t need much in the way of conversation. He’s pretty happy with some wood blocks and to sit in my lap. I do not feel particularly sick today as I had the awesome golden acupuncture yesterday. Maybe today is my day. Today I am not going to die. Today I am not “sick”. Today with Clayton I am a fat bald mommy. And I am going to spend the rest of today forgetting I have cancer.

4 Responses to “Touch me”

  1. Dina says:

    I read an article last year about a woman who was injured during the bombings in London 2 years ago. In that article, the author applauded the fiance of the victim for staying with her even though she had lost a leg and was pretty banged up scarwise. What a saint for deciding to go on with the wedding. I remember thinking, WTF??? It just made me angry. We live in a society where looks are such a focus that it messes with the mind. I remember being a new mom at the time and thinking that I wished I had the time I used to so I could remove body hair and paint my nails. (I grew up in a family where extra weight and not wearing blush were major sins, so I still often feel both fat and pale!) I also remember thinking that it bugs me that romantic love isn’t always seen as being the same thing as the love for your children. Our babies don’t care when we’re having a bad (or no) hair day. Our babies don’t care if we’re fat. And if, God forbid our children lost a limb or developed a raging case of acne or were obese, would it change the way we feel about them? Of course not. Everyone wants to feel pretty. But we want to feel deeply loved even when we’re not (or think we’re not). I hope that I have that in my husband, and it certainly sounds like you’ve found that in Kelly. You deserve to be loved every second of every day by your family and friends. I think you would do the same for them without thinking twice about it. And, in my opinion, you are beautiful- inside and out. Enjoy your day with Clay 🙂

  2. shelley says:

    Andrea, I am honored to be walking with you through this and to know about your day. I kept reading over and over what you wrote about Clay. Maybe this is what Jesus was talking about when He said that we had to become like children to enter the kingdom of God.
    God loves you the same way Clay does. She is content to have you sit on her lap and She smiles at you and loves you and knows that you are beautiful.
    i love you.

  3. Jeremy Avellino says:

    Andrea. You are beautiful. I love you. I see you and Im happy. Thank you for that.

  4. Siobhan says:

    i secretly (well, i guess not anymore) love the movie 50 First Dates. But remember, it was so taxing on everyone but her to try and convince her of a lie every day. We are all lucky to have someone as grounded as you and as willing to accept truth and carry on with life. Not to say that we don’t all want those days where we get to forget everything. But that’s not living.