Hope, Pray, Plan, Trust, Live

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I just didn’t want to go another day without writing some things down. First, thank yous to everyone who attended the brunch fund raiser at Ida Mae’s. And thanks to Mary Kate and her staff. I am truly blessed by all of you. I hope that everyone enjoyed themselves and had a good time, good food, and talked to great people.

School has started for the kids and it is a big change to not have them home with me. I am famous for keeping them home to hang out together. It will be really hard for me to resist that urge. I really want them to be with me all the time.Since returning from California Clay has begun crawling at lightning pace . I can not turn my back for a second or he is into trouble. Jeeter is in the process of building some gates to keep Clayton from tumbling down the stairs or getting into random mischief. My 10 month old started up the stairs this morning with me right behind him. By the time he got to the top his sweaty body was covered in random dirt and hair. We took the next logical step and headed for the tub. I let him take a really long bath. He really enjoyed it. I dunked my feet in the bath too. Babies, gotta love em’.

I am trying to battle some depression right now. I am not sure why. It is the first time since my diagnosis that I have been truly sad. I am trying to cling to joy and be at peace. Having a rosy outlook is not always easy. I feel like a brick is sitting on my chest.

Speaking of my chest…Tuesday is 9/11 and I have an appointment with the breast surgeon. ( Because these twin towers are coming down) We are going to go over all the details of my surgery. I have a lot of questions. Mostly about the recovery. I know that it will be a real challenge. Karen is coming for about two weeks to take care of me/the kids. If you want to help there are a bunch of things we will need. Meals, childcare, errands etc. After my surgery I will start radiation. For that I will need to go daily to U of Penn. I am not even sure how to juggle that with the housework,kids,dinner,thing. I guess we will work it out.

I wish I could be excited about finishing up chemo but honestly I know too much to be happy. Truth is this my first time but probaly not the last on chemo. It is more likely that at some point in the next 18-24 months I will have a serious recurrence that may or may not respond to chemo. I have a 30% chance of living five years and a 1% chance of living 10. If you were a gambler would you like those odds?

I just hope for a cure. I pray to be in those small minorities. I plan on getting into a nanotechnology study if I can. I trust that God will be merciful and give me time to spend with my friends and family. I try to live each day as if it were my last.

I will try to be a little cheerier I promise. Today I can only muster pragmatism and gratitude.

Love, Andrea

PS We need a meal for the 19th of September. Any one up for that?

5 Responses to “Hope, Pray, Plan, Trust, Live”

  1. shayna says:

    I should never read this at work- I know. but here I am and I read it.

    Sometimes with you I feel like there is so much to say … and yet words seem useless in the face of everything you are going through. one thing I know is that alot of people love you and your kids. I don’t think you should apologize for being sad. You have been very positive, strong and brave and that is admirable, but it is also admirable to feel the darker feelings. Facing your own mortality may be the most profound experience any one has in this life and you are doing it with such grace.

  2. Wendy says:

    I was going to say “I am looking forward to hearing what the surgeon has to say” but I think “looking forward to” is just not the right words. I don’t want to hear about it because after having you here I want, even more, to deny that this cancer is in your body. That those amazing breasts (says my A cup) are being ravaged from the inside. Yet, I do want to hear about it because I want to be informed in my prayers and be a part of your life.

    It is healthy for you to express the brick weight you are carrying. It is so very human to look at chemo and say, “this cycle is done but the battle isn’t over” and to feel weary because of it. Being away from the kids and missing them so much this last week and then to have them start school right when you are facing a new stage of battle would make anyone want to keep them home. And I know how much you love to be with your kids. You are amazing. You are strong and beautiful. You are human and how blessed that we have a God that is greater than all our needs.

    “Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:8-10

    “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.” Romans 8:26

    I love you, my sister. Take heart right now you are being lifted up in prayer. Hugs and more hugs, Wendy

  3. Mary Kate says:

    2 Corinthians is filled with wisdom. “For when I am weak, then I am strong”. That is a resounding statement. I’m going to carry that with me.
    ************Thank you Wendy for sharing that********

    Sweet woman – you ARE allowed to be sad, it was one of the best lessons I ever learned and it corresponds to the 2 Corinthians. I lost my best friend to suicide at 18, our first year in college and I refused to be sad. I had to keep myself strong for our other friends, for people who spoke unkindly of her, for myself – or so I thought. All I did was run around for 10, yes ten years with Jess on my mind and in my heart. I went to our 10 year high school reunion, and the only thing people wanted to talk about was Jessica and the secrets behind her suicide…………………I almost killed someone that night, (I stayed calm ’till I got home though) and that was when I realized how sad I was. I cried for two days, I called my mom and cried and then I felt better. And today I realise it was 6 years ago when I started to let people in again. I grew stong. Thats the same year I met my loving, supportive husband, and my best friends who will always be with me. I had to be weak in order to be strong again. Ten fucking years. Unbelievable. Be sad and then go get some great hugs. We all luv you, people around the world luv you, and your God is a merciful one, he will do whats right by you and your family. All my heart, mk
    P.S. – Dinner on the 19th is covered, just let me know what time and any food issues.

  4. the other white meat says:

    gotta laugh to keep from cryin’…. people always think i’m so cheerful and wonderful, but the humor all comes from the depths of despairing… sometimes holding on to your sanity by the skin of your teeth…the sorrow and darkness we experience as feeling beings really does carve out more room for joy when we come up and out of it…
    if we remember (as my wise friend shayna say’s)”the mind does not like to feel opposite emotions at the same time.” such as sadness because of the cancer, which makes you more joyful for your time with your family.
    (between that and the steroids, i’d be a raging lunatic).
    so i did laugh and laugh and laugh at the 9/11, the twin towers are comin’ down, cause sometimes you just gotta’ laugh…

  5. Tamara(McGizzle's mama) says:

    We would love to bring dinner for the 19th-Let me know if it is still open.