Crying Girl


Heidi asked me this morning how I feel. “Like a sausage”, I said. Really. I do not recognize the face that stares back at me anymore. While in the midst of discussing this
Joann Hulnick called me. She is the patient advocate/coordinator/Goddess/Diva at HUP. I love this woman. She has made all my problems of coordinating visits and remembering things disappear. Seriously, she is like a cancer patient’s dream girl. Today she told me that my breast surgeon is going to let the plastic surgeon “close”. Here is why this is so exciting. I am not getting reconstruction. In my situation it is not a great idea. I figure if I feel like having boobies I will buy a pair and stick them in my bra. Anyway, typically with the surgery I require the chest is left quite scarred with indentations. But this plastic surgeon can do some careful sculpting and give me the best unboob job possible. I am not expecting a miracle but I think it is plausible that I will be able to have a nice result. Yeah!!!! I mentioned to her that I feel like a sausage and she said she will set me up with a nutritionist at HUP who works with breast cancer patients. So she is even helping me with that.

Kelly and I celebrated our anniversary 3 weeks early. Well first I spent the day crying. Which as I have discussed is just such a bad idea. Sometimes “getting it out” is not a good way to go. Really it just seems to get me more upset. So I was miserable and trying to get him to be as miserable as me. Finally, he said he was going to leave and go to work. I said, “Do whatever you want”. And Kelly said, “what I want is for you to stop crying and spend time with me.” It cut through me. That it was just so poisonous to our love and relationship for me to be so isolated with my guard up. I picked myself up and we went out. And we had a really good time. And we spent money that we didn’t have. But we had a nice time. And I remember why I married Kelly. Because he’s handsome. And he is nice to me. And he is funny. And he likes me even why I do not like myself.

It is a hard thing to know you have a terminal illness. It makes you both want to run into a loved ones arms and also run away hide. It makes you want to be a better person. It makes you feel like you have nothing to give. It makes you feel isolated sometimes too. Everyone else gets to keep living…life goes on without me. That’s a hard one. But what is worse by far is to stop living before you die! To stop dreaming and enjoying this time you have. That is what I do when I just sit around feeling bad for myself. I am scared of this operation and what follows. I am also afraid of allowing myself to fall into an unproductive depression over it.

Today I had acupuncture and I left Ed in good spirits. I ate with Heidi and did not talk about cancer. I enjoyed her company and came home and did my children’s chores. Now when they get home we can just hang out together. I am excited to see them. I am going to turn off my phone and have a date with all 6 of them. That’s hot. I love my family. And they love me.

Praise God.

6 Responses to “Crying Girl”

  1. Brian says:

    I’m so happy to read that you and Kelly got out together to celebrate your anniversary Andrea. I do remember so well the day you left for your honeymoon. After breaking down the wedding and a fun breakfast together with Karen, Bill and Barbara…Kel taking me to the Airport for my trip back home and the cell phone calls to Kel “on the road” with a new camera. The first pics taken of the both of you…your self portraits arrived soon after. What a special wedding! Thank You!

    I hope your anniversary was as special as that day.

    I feel much Love for You and Kel and the children. I read your blog to my Mom several times a week. I’m so glad you got to meet her when you came out to CA! Hopefully you know how much you are in our toughts daily and uppermost in her prayers.

    Have a wonderful evening with the kids.

    Much Love,

  2. alaina says:

    Hi Andre,

    Sometimes when I read your blog I feel like you are writing my words down. Especially about the emotions you are feeling during this journey. I remember Marc wanting to spend time with me and me feeling more emotional when we held each other and that is not something I wanted to feel. I was dealing with all these emotions and shutting off the ones I couldnt handle at times. It was so very hard for the both of us. Its like finding a whole new relationship btwn. husband and wife that you never knew of and one that maybe you dont really want, but at the time its all there is. Does that make sense?

    Also, I think its a great idea to get a plastic surgeon. I didnt get one to close up my MRM and my left side has flat spots and full spots and looks pretty darn unnatural,not just flat chested. Research does pay off.

    Have a great day with the kids. You are in my thoughts and prayers daily. I love you, alaina

  3. Mo Hayes says:

    hi honey. i just wanted to stop in and remind you that i love you and im thinking about you. love to every every one.

  4. Melissa says:

    Hey Andrea,
    I am also very happy that you and Kelly were able to get out and have fun!

    I read your blog faithfully 3 times a week. I feel like a get a chance to listen to you without any interruptions. I enjoy listening to you.

  5. Melissa says:

    you said that one of the reasons why you married Kelly was because he likes you even when you don’t like yourself. That made me cry at work today. It’s bittersweet for me when people like me when I don’t like myself, it forces me to face both the beauty and broken things about myself. It’s a difficult thing to accept our own beauty when we feel like we don’t deserve it. But I forgive myself and move on.

    Ani difranco said “I ain’t in the best shape that I’ve ever been, but I know where I’m going and it ain’t where I’ve been.” That’s my theme right now.

    Love you

  6. WhyMommy says:

    I like the idea of having the plastic surgeon close. I like it so much I may talk to my dr. about it too. With no reconstruction, it would be nice to at least look decent down there.

    Thanks for the tip.

    Thinking of you, today and every day….