Fat Tuesdays and Ash Wednesdays

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I suppose I should have written something before now, but I have been in toddler -land. All my activities for 2 days have been about Clay. We went to the playground and he spent an hour walking around and picking up stones. He would then attempt to put them in his mouth. I was able to convince him to hand them to me,thankfully. We did a lot of eating. Played with blocks. Wrecked the house. Threw toys. Threw food. Stuff like that.

To most folks that might seem a bit mundane. Maybe it is. But for me it is something of a miracle. I spent the last 7 months not being a full participant in my life or anyone else’s. I think what I am finding is a renewed spirit and energy. I have quality of life again. And honestly I had forgotten how nice it is to take care of myself and my family. I am looking forward to a time when I do not need a small army of people to come and help me.

Fat Tuesday was not very fat. I felt no desire to indulge in anything prior to lent. I had decided that I should give up sugar since I am pretty sure I have a drug like addiction to it. I thought maybe I could try praying or reading the bible instead. So 40 days without sugar started today. Which brings us to ash Wednesday. I planned all week to go to church tonight. The near silent service at Circle has always been quite moving. In a very ritualistic way last year’s palm leaves are mixed with olive oil and used to anoint our foreheads. Josh always discusses the history of ash Wednesday. We write down our sin on slips of pieces of paper, the things that keep us from God, the things that we want to change. We seek to change. We burn these sins, we burn the paper. We make the sign of the cross on our foreheads. It is really so sad and so beautiful.

I was deeply affected. Praying that God might forgive me for my indiscretion, sin, behavior, etc. So often I feel like I am faced with a ticking clock. I must become a better person now! I don’t have a lifetime of Ash Wednesdays to get it right. Today. God needs to change me today. Not eating sugar probaly will not make that happen. Its a process of faith and time. Faith that God will change me. Faith that it will happen. And the time that it takes to see this change occur. It will take more than 40 days I am sure.

Tonight begins Lent. A period of change. I am waiting on God to change me. In the meantime I am going to rejoice in all that He has given me and continues to give me. Sweet things that are not made of sugar. My life is quite sweet actually. My family and friends are loving and kind. And the ability to enjoy them is much sweeter now since I know what it is like to not have the stamina to have fun with them. Life is sweet. I can live without sugar.

6 Responses to “Fat Tuesdays and Ash Wednesdays”

  1. debi says:

    As always, the chance to view a few things through your eyes is a true blessing. You have changed the way I see so many things and the way I choose to handle the tough times. Although I am not Catholic, I spent many a Sunday at mass with my best friend when I was a kid. I am at my non denominational church most Sundays (not that showing up means a damn thing)but I am a believer and do love the Lord with all my heart. Forgive me if I misunderstand you but I do not believe you need to hurry and change except for those things that may bug you about yourself. I think as far as God is concerned you are a wonderful example for many others and someday you will be allowed to see just how many souls you led to Jesus.

  2. leah says:

    i love you just the way you are! and so does God!
    ~leah

  3. Amy says:

    Andrea,
    Enjoying those small moments is not mundane. It comes from having that renewed joy and spirit in life that many of us who have faced this awful disease have. (Unfortunately many go the other way and become angry.)It appears that you have chosen to take this journey that life has given you and “renew” your life as it once was.
    Keep on this journey ……the life as you once knew will never be again.

    Gods SPEED in this new journey in life.

  4. Linda, Palm Harbor, Florida says:

    Hi Andrea,
    So glad to see your posting today. You sound like a “Mom on the Go” for sure. Your little Clay must bring you so much joy. I have a 31 year old and I still remember those days! I sure wish I lived in your state so that I would be able to be one of your “army” buddies and come and help you. But, you sound like you have such a wonderful support system. I know what you are talking about when you talk about the sugar addiction. It’s so hard today to not eat anything without sugar in it, but I really commend you for trying and wish you all the best in doing so. I’m praying for you and wish you all the strength and joy that you are now experiencing. God Bless You and your family.

  5. joshua says:

    “Sweet things that are not made of sugar.”

    great one. we’re so addicted to corn syrup that we don’t remember how good watermelon is. yes!