Spare change


Tuesday night I dyed my hair. Something I have been doing for most of my life. My hair has been black, blond, red, fire engine red, hot pink, blue, and all things in between. Whether this is an expression of some inner chameleon or just the fact that I get bored I don’t know. I do think dyeing my hair is something of a compulsion. To change or stand out. My hair is maybe 2 inches long and I have dyed it 3 times. Right now it is a dark red, not a real red, maybe blood or a rose. Whichever. I sweat pink. Really I was at the gym today and my sweat was pink. My bathroom shower has at times looked like we dyed easter eggs in there. It is clean for now. But who knows what will happen when this stuff starts washing out.

Change is good. At least most of the time. I usually have a hard time making big changes but I am pretty happy once I do. Lately, I am trying to change my eating habits. It is going ok. But there is so much more I could do to eat better. And exercise more. Its happening slowly. Other changes are harder. Personality and behavior are more difficult to change. For example, I like to be right. In any argument or discussion I only feel good if I sway you into believing as I do. This is so petty it hurts. I think it makes me intolerable. It goes hand in hand with my *never apologize strategy. I apologized to Alys once and she was so stunned she cried. Kelly too is amazed when I admit I was wrong. Especially if it is not followed by some well said “excuse” for my behavior. I am trying to change these things. {I do however apologize to my children because I read a parenting article that said this was very important in the parent/child relationship.}

I think change has to come from within. No one can really convince you to change. You have to want to. I wanted many people I loved to change things but until they were ready it didn’t happen. It is usually easier to see what others are doing wrong instead of what we are doing. It is for me anyway. A lot of the revelations that I have about my own behaviors are prompted by things that my friends or Kelly tell me. Sometimes they are hard to hear. Sometimes I do not want to listen. But I have to. I am not content to remain unchanged.

Change can be quite uncomfortable. My body, mind, and spirit have been through a great deal of changes in the last 10 months. I gained and lost 50lbs. I spent months feeling like a sausage. Now my clothing is hanging off of me. I was sick and tired all the time. I am finding a gradual but significant increase in my stamina. And I have minimal nausea. Mentally I was prepared far more for the possibility I would die than the reality that I am living. It never occurred to me to do anything but accept God’s will. I was at peace with that. Now that this new treatment is working there is a good chance I will be here for….well as long as God wills it. This is strange. But I am thrilled to take every day I can. Spiritually it has been quite a journey. I feel stronger in my faith than ever. I feel cared for and loved by a benevolent God. I am more happy and thankful than at any other time in my life. Simple things bring me great joy. People bring me great joy. I am thrilled to be here.

As my teenagers edge their way toward adulthood I have watched them struggle with change. Everything begins to feel and look different as you leave childhood behind. I have had many conversations with them, assuring them that this is all normal. The uncertainty is part of life. Change is inevitable. I told Jesse last week that who he is now is not who will be 5, 10,20 years from now. Not that we lose our identity entirely, but we change. At least in my world. I guess there are folks who don’t change. I know a few of those. I am not content to continue to make the same mistakes and remain unhappy or worse make others unhappy. Bring on the change.

3 Responses to “Spare change”

  1. lucky you! I was told I cant get tattooed or dye my hair until 6 months after my treatment is over! Not too sure why…but might just be something I reinvestigate.

    Change is inevitable and the people that dont change are putting up a lot of resistance. It can be really really hard at times. I’ve been dealing with a lot of questions that i never thought I would have to, especially now in my life. It has greatly changed my outlook, my actions and my feelings towards a lot of things.

  2. joshua says:

    i’m glad the fumes from the hair dye mix only made you more silly.

  3. sara says:

    I love reading your blog! Thank you for giving us joy.