Chemo sobby


Today is chemo. It is 4:30am. I am stressed. I am waiting for the pain. I am dreading. This is certainly not the attitude I will put out when I get to chemo. No. I will smile and make jokes. I will be the happiest chemo patient ever. I will cheer up the other patients. Like Ann. She is just on Herceptin now. I never let anyone see how upsetting all this is. The brave face. I just can’t let my guard down. I guess this is normal. Whatever that means. Normal. I usually don’t care for normal. Right now I just want to believe I am not on the verge of a psychotic break. It is hard to wake up on chemo day and know you are going to feel like crap in a couple hours. Not even ordinary crap. You will be more tired than you can explain. Your body is shaky and mind too. I am sometimes lose my balance. I need to be close to a bathroom. I am in fear of the worst and hoping for the best.

There are days, like today, when I do not want to imagine going through this for years. How am I going to keep this up? Maybe I need to talk to women who have done long term chemo. Maybe I need to practice what I preach and live in this moment, in this day. Fair enough. Today I am scared. I feel good. I want to stay that way. I have no peace about this. I want to turn on my optimistic charm. The one I turn on for others. People say mind over matter. Its in my control. I am not so sure. I wish I had control over this. Like a dial I could adjust the severity of my symptoms with. Sometimes its not so bad. But all I ever remember was the last dose.

I feel bad that I am not being positive. This regimen is better than the old one. And I know I feel better after acupuncture. But right now the anxiety has a good grip on my spirit. It is hard to see this as my saving grace. It is hard to believe this is my life. Even after 9 months I am still kind of amazed that I have cancer and that I need to get treatment all the time. Its like I think someday I will walk in the oncologists’ office and she will say I am cured. Or that they made a mistake. But that news never comes. I just go to chemo. Dutiful and scared.

I will write more later. Thanks for listening/reading by ramblings.

11 Responses to “Chemo sobby”

  1. Barb says:

    Everything I try to write about this entry seems trite and insignificant. Just know that complete strangers who are, for some unknown reason drawn to this website, pray for you. I hope you find peace today.

  2. leah says:

    i miss you, i hope it all goes well today, and i’m so happy that the accupunture helps that is amazing.
    i love you

  3. Michelle says:

    Wishing you warm, sunny wonderful thoughts today as you endure your chemo-you dont always have to be strong for everyone else-let someone else cheer you for a change!
    I will keep you in my thoughts today, and pray that you have an easy time, and dont feel too awful tonight and can snuggle with the kids to stay warm!!
    May you continue to recieve the Blessings of those around you, as well as those miles away!

  4. kristine says:

    I know to well that feeling of anxiety. I am crying as I write this because your words have taken me back to that pain of turning yourself in to chemo. My heart goes out to you today. What you are feeling is totally normal but no matter what anyone says it still sucks beyond words. You know you don’t always have to put on a happy face. Some days you can just cry and let it all out. Everyone understands Even the people who don’t walk in your shoes. Remember you don’t always have to be strong for eveyone else. I am sending you big love from one poisoned girl to another. I love you,


  5. Amy says:

    I know…another suggestion for a means of support. Have you contacted Young Survival Coalition.
    This is an organization for Young women (under 40) of whom have or are facing breast cancer and the issues surrounding young women. I believe they have a charter in your area.
    Stay strong!!!

  6. debi says:

    Andrea, Shit, I always hope for some great words to flow through me to you and so far that has never happened. LIke Michelle said, you don’t always have to be strong for everyone else. And then again there’s that great old saying “Fake it till you make it”. Maybe keeping everyone elses morale up is somehow helping you too. Or maybe you just need to let your insides show on the outside for a change. The fact that you can suck it up and cheer up the others is a great gift and as all great gifts, it surely is from God. I don’t know you but you sure seem to be a strong woman,mom, wife and friend. But if for today you don’t wanna put on the brave face then don’t. Sometimes we have to give ourselves permission. As always you are in my prayers.

  7. Wendy says:

    I’m praying for you.

  8. Julie says:

    Thinking and praying for you today.

  9. Rad says:

    You are so freaking cool. We dont know eachother but I teach at 2 rock schools in the area and have heard great things about you. A friend of mine passed away in december from cancer at 20, and while she was fighting she had a great attitude just like yrs.

    Stay Rad and fight the good fight!

  10. Diane McDade says:

    Dear Andrea
    You don’t know me, but I found out about your website through my daughter-in-law Laura Mckinley, my son is Eric McDade.
    I just wanted to commend you on your strength and courage.
    Being stressed and dreading what follows chemo treatment is quite understandable and very normal, so don’t beat yourself up for those feelings.
    You are an amazing person for sharing your most inner thoughts with others……it seems it might be good therapy for you.
    You obviously have a great since of humor, (Chemo sobby), humor is always a good thing, but cry and be mad if you must. You have had your entire life turned upside down and the change of feelings that you are going through is normal, so don’t keep them locked up inside. Keep writing and expressing yourself in what ever way it helps you to get through these tough times.
    Six beautiful children, how wonderful. Large families are far and few between these days. Thank God you have them and your husband at your side.
    I hope you don’t mind my emailing you. I just wanted to let you know that there are others out there thinking of you and praying for you and your family.
    My thoughts and prayers will be with you throughtout your treatment. God is good and He will see you through this.

    God bless you!


    Diane McDade

  11. Andrea says:

    You’re gonna do this the same way I am. One round at a time. You can do it. I can tell from the comments you have a spectacular group of people praying for you and your family. Feel their arms around you. Never underestimate the power of prayer.