Inner space


I remember a few years ago when people began to talk about the inner child. A psychological concept that we have small broken children inside of us. I rejected the notion outright. I have an outer child who needs an inner child. I have discovered recently that I have an inner mom. Its true. The voices in my head say things like,”Don’t forget to clean…” or “You should ask so and so how that test went” or “Make sure you pay that bill”. Sometimes my inner mom says “Now Andrea you know that’s not true, you have lots of friends, you are a very likable person.” My inner mom parents me and everyone else. I was never a child anyway. I always had a certain disdain for children. All that whining and mean spirited nonsense. I could never get used to the injustice. Or the boogie eating. I could never be comfortable with kids. My mom will attest to this. In fact Mom comment on this and tell them that I was born an adult trapped in a child’s body.

As a child I would sigh with dissatisfaction in the school yard. I hated being a kid. I liked adults. I looked for excuses to hang out with teachers since children gave me a headache. My inner mom always encouraging me to look on the bright side..eventually I would be an adult. It couldn’t come fast enough. I grew up faster than any kid ever. I wanted to help my mom balance our checkbook and go food shopping while my sister took gymnastics classes. All this led me to believe that I should never be a mother. But as soon as I did I thought it was brilliant.Now that inner mom had someone to take care of. I got to tell people what they should be doing. Wonderful. My inner mom was so busy. My outer child was at the playground going down the slide, my inner mom was reminding me to do the dishes when we got home and return a phone call. I found out I didn’t like kids…I just like my kids…well and occasionally some of yours.
My inner mom is very effective. It allowed me to be relaxed, comfortable and out going. All the while knowing that that voice would keep me on track. The voice that calms me when I start to feel all the anxiety welling up inside. The inner mom has been uttering mantra like statements. You are going to be fine. You can do this. Big deep breaths. It is my inner mom ( and my mom mom) that are so often moved to tears by my cancer. The inner mom lives to take care of everyone. The thought of leaving those I long to care for forever is very depressing. My outer child is having less fun than they used to as well. That’s cancer. What can you do? It forces you to grow up and take things seriously. It can put a bit of a damper on the evening.

Today my inner mom and outer child had a lovely lunch date with my daughter. We all had a very nice time. We went to the orthodontist. And my inner mom made sure that I picked up her medical card from Kelly. And my outer child played games with her in the waiting room.

11 Responses to “Inner space”

  1. Michelle Wienke says:

    Good day! You are feeling a little better today! You have a lovely inner mom-I think you probably never were a kid-really a trapped adult in a short body….glad you had a great day with your daughter!!

    Keeping you, as always in my prayers!

    Enjoy the spring evening!


  2. Toni G says:

    your inner/outer provides some interesting read…….when (IF) they decide to get together, let us know. You sure know how to delightfully turn the tables on known quantums. Amazing Andrea

  3. Denise in Ontario says:

    You are such an amazing writer. You are gifted in so many ways. You have a way of reaching out to people and enveloping them.

  4. Juanita says:

    I lurk, I read, I share in your life, your ups and downs, and I am honored to “know” you even in this context. You amaze me with each post, your strength, your capacity for faith and love. I am losing two parents to cancer, as we speak, and find hope and faith in your words. Thank you, Andrea. It is a privilege to share this world with you.

  5. Renee Khan says:

    Andrea this was a wonderful and deeply insightful peek at you.

    Thank you.

    It is a hard row and you are doing well. One breath at a time.

    Love Renee

  6. debi says:

    Oh Andrea, There are some days when your post is like putting on a warm comfy coat. It just feels right. You are special to so many of us that are strangers to you- except that we feel like we know you. love, debi

  7. Linda Conley Soffer says:

    It was great to see you the other day in Liberty Lands, and to read this post. You are so lucky to have such a nurturing inner mom. Mine tends to be more critical, though years of therapy have softened her up a bit. Having such access to and comfort with an inner well of unconditional love is a wonderful thing. Thank you for sharing it.


  8. Mom Brown says:

    Dear Sweet Andrea,

    Perhaps the reason your so good at being an adult and mom is you having been doing it since childhood either way you have always been amazing .You’d always tell me” oh mom your just saying that cause your my mom”…think again EVERYONE,EVERYONE who shares on your site agrees with me Just HOW Remarkable YOU are.. OK

    I love you too. Mom

  9. Renee Khan says:

    Dear Mom Brown:

    Just had to say you have a wonderful daughter.

    I know this must be devastating to see you daughter go through this and I am sorry you have to go through this, but I am even more sorry that Andrea has to go through this.

    I just want you to know I agree with you that Andrea is amazing.

    Renee Khan

  10. Pamela says:

    Whoa.. I had to quick read “mom Brown’s” post to make sure she really was your mom, and not mine! My mom is also Mom Brown, and Grandma Brown-I knew I liked you, Andrea! 😉 I also haVE a similar inner mom, because I know I grew up being the mom. So now I just want to slack off and play… my kids and I have a great time, but when I noticed my 17 year old daughter sounding like a mom and acting “motherly” I woke up a little and made sure she “plays” and I do more of the “mothering” My family and I continue to keep you in our prayers. Many blessings to you!

  11. Mary Brady Begnardi says:

    My sister used to call me “the fun ruin-er” when we were kids. Now that she is a mom, she jokingly calls herself a “fun ruin-er” too. After reading your always deep and yet unpretentious words, I realize that it was an inner mom telling my siblings not to set things on fire. Or each other on fire. Or the house. I hope she’s still in there, (especially when things get tough with my students) and that I have kids soon. I hope I will be as great a mom as you are. You are an amazing person. I am always praying for you and your family.