An Awakening

Sometimes it is hard to accept that all but the present is out of our hands. This morning, moments ago, I semi reluctantly but without reservation turned all things to god. The wise old man on the hill god no longer seems to work for me. But neither does trying to bend everything to my will. I recently told Josh, my pastor and dear friend that I felt I needed a new relationship with god. I think that may be synonymous with needing a new relationship with myself as well. So this morning I turn all things to the care of god and pray to be a vessel of that energy. I offer up that which I cling to most. May I be of service to those I love on earth and in the big blue heavens.

I have been greatly missing some really close friends these last few days. Ori and Tamara are both on vacation (i don’t think I’m ever gonna let them leave town at the same time again). Alec has gone off to college, and though I could not be prouder I still miss him. And of coarse I miss Andrea. Sometimes joyfully and sometimes with great sadness, but not a day goes by that I don’t wish for ten more minutes. I am grateful that she is here in spirit in so many ways, but a little fearful that this will lessen with the move. I guess we’ll see.

Be Well

13 Responses to “An Awakening”

  1. Julie says:

    Sounds like you are definitely on the right track!

  2. leah says:

    yes Kelly, it will take some time but you are on the right track!

  3. Tina, French Creek, WV says:

    I thought about Andrea a lot yesterday – it was my 38th birthday and it was an awesome day. I thought about how Andrea lived her life and what I learned from her. I’m changed for the better because of her. I so appreciate you continuing to share your life with all of us “peeping toms” out here in internet land. God is awesome and He has great things in store for you & your kids. Thank you!

  4. Michelle Wienke says:


    I dont doubt for one minute that you are on the path that God has chosen for you, and I also dont doubt for one minute that Andrea will be moving along with all of you this week. She will remain with each of you, no matter where you are, watching over all of you and doing what she can for positive energy to be sent your way.

    I hope that you will share with all of us the minute you get your very first sign from Andrea in the new house- I know she will be there surrounding all of you with love!

    Keep doing what you are doing!!

    As always, in my thoughts and prayers!


  5. Stacy S. says:


    Like the others have said…you are on the right path. Leaving everything in the hands of God will help you feel less burden. God will show you the way…even when it seems like he’s not there, he is! Andrea is around you also. I am sure her spirit will follow, even with the move.


  6. Ed says:

    I know our relationship with God can take many paths and many forms. My sponsor once told me of the night he was walking to the El to kill himself. He wanted to die so he meet up with God and spit in his face. I guess that was his bottom because he didn’t do either one and thinks God is plently alright these days.

  7. Heather says:

    Dear Kelly,
    I’m glad you continue to share here – – I check in often, wondering how you are doing. I know Andrea will continue to surround you, even when you all move. Thinking of you.

  8. Linda, Palm Harbor, FL says:

    Andrea will never lessen in your heart and in the move. I know that. She knew she wouldn’t be able to share your joy in the new house, but she was still excited in the end. You are such an awesome man and you were the best husband that Andrea could have had. God bless you sweetheart, I pray for you and your healing heart. The good Lord is always with you no matter what. Linda

  9. Stefanie says:

    hi kelly – i’m so glad you are exploring a new relationship iwth god – and you. i started a 12 step program about 7 1/2 years ago and my sponsor gave me an assignment early on – step 2 i think. she said that before i could do the step i had to tell her about my god.

    she said – not the god you’ve always known. tell me about your “perfect” higher power. if you could have anything and everything in a higher power, i just want to know what he/she/it would be like.

    so i set out trying to come up with what a perfect god/higher power would be like. what WOULD he be like anyway? he certainly would not be the scorekeeper god i grew up with. the one that recorded all incidents and transgressions in a BOOK to show me later…

    i decided that my higher power (whom i choose to call GOD) would be like a loving parent. he would love me no matter what. he wouldn’t sit in judgement of me, but really care about how me. he’d be my friend, my father, my caregiver, my protector. all the wonderful things i need in my spirit, he could meet – and he would meet no matter what. all i would have to do would be to talk to him and ask. he would give.

    it was a fun exercise – making up a perfect god just for me. i just went on and on (i had to journal it all out for my sponsor, you know!). so, finally – days later i took her my sheet(s) of paper.

    we sat down and smiled at each other, chatted a minute, then she asked what i had come up with. i was still excited to play the game and like a kid in a candy store i told and read to her about my perfect higher power.

    she smiled back and just said, “congratulations. that is exactly who your higher power IS.”

    my life changed like crazy from that moment forward. i had a new god and a new friend and new lease on life.

    and as an aside, i had lost my mother to diabetic complications (she was 61) 3 weeks after my first 12-step meeting. i probably wouldn’t have made it through without all the spiritual stuff i was learing.

    anyway. sorry to drone on SO LONG but i hope this helps you. all my best.


  10. joshua says:

    hey kell…great post. sorry i missed out on tuesday, i got mixed up

  11. Renee Khan says:


    I don’t know Kelly, but I wonder if through the pain somehow that you will be able to find peace.

    I know that is what I wish for my family when I am gone.

    Love Renee

  12. Nydia says:

    Hello, Kelly. I learned about you through a blogger friend, and came here without knowing what I was going to find. Like so many others, your sad experience, tofor lack of a better word, moved me deeply. Living in Brazil I cannot physically help you, but just added you to my blogroll, so I can keep track about how things are going over there, and it’s a way of more people getting to know you as well. I’m sure time helps and makes us stronger, but this you know. Your little boy is gorgeous. Keep the chin up!

    Bright vibes from Nydia.

  13. debi says:

    How are things going Kelly? Think of you often and pray you and the kids are finding your way. Wishing the best for you, deb