Rebel without a cause


“Dream as if you’ll live forever, live as if you’ll die today” James Dean

I saw this quote on Susan’s email and I had to steal it!

That quote perfectly sums up what I am trying to achieve given my diagnosis. I want to be able to make plans for the future. I want to dream of living out my life with Kelly and the kids, going on vacations,watching them graduate high school and college. I want to believe those things are still possible. And at the same time I realize that it is crucial that I make the best of every day that I have. I often do far too much on my good days as a result. Sometimes juggling 2 and 3 different events and visits in a single afternoon. I just can not say no to visitors. Or coffee dates. If I am well I want to do it all. Terminal illness can nearly eradicate procrastination. I mean I know I am going to live today, but I really don’t want to put anything off. I do at times feel a sense of urgency in my interpersonal relationships. I want to let everyone know I love them. I must be Supermom. I am less accomplished at being Superwife or Superfriend. I am working on it.

It is hard to admit that having cancer has in some ways made me feel both more and less inclined to eat well and exercise. Part of me says, “I want to lay around. I have an excuse.” But my rational self knows it is now crucial that I eat better, especially since my nausea is managed via acupuncture. And I know that I feel really good after yoga or a bike ride. So while I am laying about I feel like I deserve it…but I know it is just so bad for me. If you feel like cluing me on how you stay motivated, or you want to help me by making a super macrobiotic meal or teach me how go ahead I am all ears. I really want to do more in order to feel good and live longer. It is always a challenge.

Today is chemo. I am actually excited. I see what a difference the medicine is making. With IBC the breast swells because cancer cells flood the tissue under the arm. So as some of you may know my left boob was 3X the size of the right. Now they are nearly the same size. The rigid hard mass in my breast feels almost normal in some places. And because the acupuncture had such a strong impact on the physical symptoms of chemo I am not stressed by thought of going. And I really like my oncologist and the staff at Karnell. I want to get better, so I will deal with the difficulties that come with the cure.

So as I am so fond of reminding everyone here comes the big sleep. Usually I lay in bed from Friday until Tuesday. Kelly may need some help with Clay because he has a lot of drawing to do for his appointments at the shop. If you have time and inclination give him a call. As always…I love you and thank you.

5 Responses to “Rebel without a cause”

  1. Giiiiina says:

    hope your visit today with the toxic bartender goes well. Give Kelly my number and tell him to call me anyday he needs help with Clay. I miss the little bambino and of course you guys too! haha. Talk to you soon. Love You-

  2. jenni says:

    i’m so glad to read this, i love the positivity, sometimes it’s so hard to have in life. as always, i’m praying for you. and i love a ton!!!! when you feel well, i’d like to be one of those visitors or coffee dates… deal??

    god bless you. xo

  3. Siobhan says:

    it was such a lovely suprise to see you today. hope capo giro treated you well. i love you dear, hope to see you again soon.

  4. Rob says:

    I’ve always dreamed as if I’d live forever, not knowing how much better it is when you also live as if you’ll die today. I sort of thought of the latter in hedonistic terms. But, oh happy cancer, I get to start life over and live every day as if my participation in it matters.

    It was so good to be with you today. Not because we’ve known each other for so long, not because I get good karma points, not even because we make each other laugh. It was good because I got to be here in this life, the one we have right this moment, with you and Jesse and Don and Christine and Connie and Phyllis and Kara. It was good because forever’s gonna be there and, yet and still, I don’t have to give up living right now to get there.

    You tell me all the time that things happen for reasons that are beyond our understanding, and that, even if you don’t get to see the ending, the part you saw was good and important. I get it. And you helped me get it. I love you more than I’ll ever be able to tell you. And I love your cancer for forcing me to stop and see that.

  5. shelley says:

    we got our stars tonight. then we toasted you. here’s to permanence, longevity, and dreams.