sore loser


When I am unhappy I always find writing far more daunting. I want to show the world that I am strong. And this has left me feeling quite weak. I expected to be up and around…it has been three weeks. But I am still sick and sore and swollen. Parts of me are so filled with fluid that they ache. The lympedema in my arms makes them burn. I can not “reach” for things. And I am still totally incapable of caring for Clay. I have no stamina. He will push his head into my incision (chest) which at this point is still healing. I am not complaining. I just wish I could will myself to feel better. I have very little to say since I have been mostly laying in bed.

The physical therapists are like “get up and walk around the house”. But I don’t. My arms get very swollen when they are not elevated. So I am obsessed with keeping them up. I don’t know if I am depressed. I sleep a lot. I talk to the kids in my room. They hang out with me in there. So does Kelly. I have not done a thing other than the physical therapy exercises and a few doctor’s appointments. I still feel too tired to get up and do anything. I know that Clay is very happy and content to have Karen caring for him. He is very happy to have Grandma. She is amazing with him…taking him on several walks each day..playing all day with him. I have barely touched him since I got home. And my extended absences (California,surgery,hospitalization) have left him very aloof with me. He responds much more to other people. I think he is not sure who I am. I have been sick since he was 6 months old. And he has had Jenny, Kelly, and my older boys caring for him for much of that time. But at least with chemotherapy I had good weeks followed by bad. But it has been a while since I cared for Clay. It has been a very long time since I was alone with him. I have been weary of that for a long time since chemo also made me very tired. I am not sure what to think about any of this.

I can not afford to be upset about it since I am sick and this is just how things are. My instincts tell me he is happy and in good hands even if they are not my hands.Sometimes that is the lesson with cancer. It always seems to strike these young women who are like me. Women who are used to doing everything for themselves and taking care of other people. And then we get sick and do not know what to do. I have learned through this just how hard it is to let other people take care of my family for me. Other people cook , clean , and care for my family. And it is ok. My family are fed, my house is clean, and my children are fine. It is hard to say that..but it is true. That is a lesson. I can not do this by myself and I haven’t had to. Every time I turn around there are helping hands to get me through this. But it is still hard to accept that at times.

As much as I know I am needed here I also know that at this time there is little I can do other than be present. I wish I was up to long walks and some light housekeeping. I am not. I can barely make myself a bowl of cereal ( the gallon jug is too heavy to lift and the cereal to high up for me to reach). But I am here. Tired, swollen, and sore I am here. And that’s what counts. My children are resilient. Hopefully, my marriage will be too.

4 Responses to “sore loser”

  1. joshua says:

    i read every post (RSS baby), but i haven’t left a comment yet. i’ll start.

    you are about the most resilient people i know. this is def a hard spot in a long (yes, it will be real long) journey. cereal is overrated, anyways.

  2. Konkani Devi says:

    Ring the bells that still can ring
    Forget your perfect offering
    There is a crack, a crack in everything
    That’s how the light gets in.
    – Leonard Cohen (from “Anthem”)

    My thoughts are with you and your family. Thank you for continuing to write.

  3. kristine says:

    Andrea, I have been following your blog for the past weeks and I have wanted to write several times. I guess it is hard for me because I was just wearing the shoes you now walk in. You are much better at just putting it all out there then I seem to be, not to mention you are an amazing writer. I know we have alot of differences but in reality we have more similarities in our fights. I remember too well the pain, depression, swelling of crazy areas and just not feeling like yourself. All I can say is that it will get better and someday you will wake up and feel somewhat like yourself again. My incision still hurts after 9 weeks but it is not all I think about anymore. I try and smile and laugh as much as possible……..that sometimes hurts too but it is worth every minute. No one ever told us this would be an easy road but I sometimes have this crazy thought that cancer chooses people like us with spirits so large that it really doesn’t matter what happens to our bodies because we are more then that. Remember we have to believe that we are not the odds……we make our own. I am sending you and your family big love and I am waiting for my phone call with the biggest request yet. Chinese anyone??? Love ya, Kristine

  4. kristine says:

    Hi again, I almost forgot to tell you that I start radiation tomorrow and last week they gave me my first tattoo. It is an extremely lame blue dot on the right side of my shoulder. I had to tell you that you were right…….it didn’t hurt at all. I was kind of disappointed. Later,